archivetaes:

thedisreputabledog:

raptortooth:

clevercheshire:

geardrops:

cupcakewitchery:

geardrops:

pyrrhiccomedy:

spacetimeandcoffee:

pyrrhiccomedy:

pocketofmadness:

pyrrhiccomedy:

I see a lot of posts about people feeling embarrassed, like, about everything, all the time, being embarrassed is I guess a huge part of some people’s lives. well listen

my girlfriend left her shoes in the middle of the living room floor, so I hid them in the oven drawer. because I thought it was a drawer that you could like–store things in?? I don’t know, I somehow made it to this point in my life without knowing that the fire happens in there. then I forgot I’d done it, and like, two days went by.

so the next time we went to make dinner, the shoes caught on fire.

then the oven caught on fire

then our whole house was full of black smoke

then the NYC firefighters had to come out to our apartment. there were like six of them.

half the people in our building came out of their apartments to find out what was going on, and if they were going to die or if they needed to evacuate their cats or something

and then an actual, New-York’s-finest firefighter looked me wearily in the eyes and said “try not to keep shoes in your oven” as he left.

and now we need a new oven.

and I would say that I felt…mild embarrassment? I experienced a patina of chagrin. “whoops,” I thought to myself, as the firefighters tromped off and the firetruck drove off into the night. “I should probably have known that about oven drawers.” then I bought my girlfriend a new pair of shoes, since I’d burned her old shoes. then we ordered a pizza.

if I can not feel embarrassed about that, I hope you guys can take heart.

Serious question: What is an oven drawer?

I mean come on, it just looks like a drawer, right

Isn’t that where the pots and pans go?

I definitely remember pots and pans getting stored in the drawer of the oven we had when I was growing up. so I figured, okay, that’s a drawer for putting stuff in. key detail I guess: pots and pans are fireproof

unlike shoes

GUYS

THAT’S THE FUCKING BROILER

OH MY GOD

Not always the broiler actually. Sometimes it is just a drawer. My aunt keeps snack foods in there (Oreos, Cheetos, the shit she doesn’t want people to know she eats) and her oven has never caught on fire.

So this is handy information for me to start inspecting the oven of every place I ever move into from now until eternity.

fair enough but i feel like if shoes go in and fire comes out it’s probably the broiler

Oh thank god it’s sometimes a drawer. I thought I had a broiler for years and never used it.

So there’s a compartment that SOMETIMES is extra storage and SOMETIMES is full of fire?

Yep, basically.

The most ridiculous complaints that customers have made to me

fuck-customers:

“One of your cashiers has a huge zit on her cheek. It was gross looking and I lost my appetite. She should have popped it before she came in this morning.”

“The cashier over there was counting money. As a joke, my ten-year-old started shouting random numbers. The cashier made an angry face and now my son is upset. He has no right to get angry at a little kid who doesn’t know any better.”

“Cashiers shouldn’t be drinking water bottles while on the clock. What if they put vodka in there?”

“One of your employees has way too many tattoos and does her makeup way too dark. I don’t like her funky colored hair either. It’s trashy and unprofessional. I won’t be shopping here anymore.”

“If the pregnant girl wanted to have relations out of wedlock, that’s up to her, but she should be wearing a fake wedding band while she’s working. I don’t want my children to think that premarital sex is okay.”

“Some of your cigarettes are marked as ”$1 off". You shouldn’t sell them. They condone smoking.“

“I was told I couldn’t bring my 15-year-old son into the liquor section. It wasn’t like I was buying booze for him!”

“The cashier farted silently while she was ringing me up. It smelled horrible.”

“You shouldn’t allow people to bring their service dogs in the store. I don’t like dogs. They make me uncomfortable.”

“You really shouldn’t let your employees go home in the middle of a rush.”

“I let my son eat a banana while I was shopping. I told the cashier. She said that bananas go by weight and she can’t ring them up without the actual product. She told me it was fine and just to remember for the next time, but I know she didn’t mean it so I felt obligated to run all the way back to the produce department and grab another one so that she could charge me.”

“There are way too many foreigners working here. You should be more concerned about making sure Americans are employed.”

“You should build a separate bathroom for employees.”

“I pulled into a handicap spot. One of your cart pushers told me I had to move. I may not be handicapped but I have had a very long day and I don’t have the energy to walk across the entire parking lot.”

“Not hiring my son because of his age is discrimination. I got him his working papers on his 14th birthday last week. That should be enough.”

“Cashiers shouldn’t let customers bag their own purchases under any circumstances.”

“next time i wont miss”

castihalo:

oh but dean, you didnt miss. not really.

not when cas could literally heal himself up with the snap of his fingers but he wouldn’t because he probably let himself soak up in all the pain as a penance for failing dean

not when cas was staring into space, finally understanding how it must have felt like being in dean’s shoes when he was the one beating him to a pulp due to a certain angel tablet hidden in a certain hidden crypt

not when cas was left there lying on the bunker floor all bloodied up and closing his eyes, wondering where he went wrong, wondering why can’t he just save the one person he cares about the most

cas’ weakness is having too much heart, and dean has stabbed every single one of them except for the one trapped behind his rib cage.

so no, dean. you didnt miss.

purgatorywithdean:

never posted this from vegascon, look how majestic he is. [retake]

proof that the sun is fake

thebootydiaries:

if the sun is real then y is it winter and the snow cold my house and i am crying????? nice try atheists

dlubes:

thekzdilla:

smatter:

menalaus:

thesilvenar:

no

I refuse to accept this as true

Why are they clapping like he just got a spare bowling instead of just committing an act of witchcraft

@communistbakery

Nah

kansastexas:

idiots

squirrelstone:

gideonseymours:

miscommunication as a plot device makes me angry

if you just talked to each other but no

on the one hand i agree with this but on the other hand one of my coworkers rented an alpaca from a petting zoo and brought it to work because my boss said she wanted an alpaca sweater but the guy didn’t hear her say sweater and didn’t want to upset her by asking why the fuck she’d want an alpaca

variablejabberwocky:

booksomewench:

thebibliosphere:

hadanelith:

thebibliosphere:

I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.

I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?

All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.

The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.

Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.

Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.

Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.

If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.

So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”

This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.

When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.

A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.

And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.

This was a ride from start to finish OH MY GOD.

tfw you realize twilight could have been SO MUCH WORSE

adhocavenger:

commanderoswald:

This is day 80/365 of 2016 and Dr. Denise Cloyd is the 8th queer woman to die on primetime this year. A queer woman has died on our screens every 10 days in 2016.

According to GLAAD’s 2015 report of “Where We Are On TV” of the 881 regular characters expected to appear on broadcast primetime programming this year, 4% were identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. There were 23 lesbian characters, 33 gay characters, 12 bisexual females, and 2 bisexual males.

In 2015 there were only 35 fictional wlw characters on television and 80 days into 2016 they’ve killed 8 of them. 

That is a fourth of them. 

In less than 3 full months of the year.

Let that sink in. 

THAT ARROW WAS FOR ABRAHAM.

angryinkeddrunk:

pr1nceshawn:

Aliens.

STOP THIS

The german side of Tumblr is pissed and here’s why

cutepippin:

apoorlywrittenfemalecharacter:

favourosie:

senthessa:

mazi-queen:

Maybe you’ve noticed it, maybe you haven’t, but the german side of Tumblr is furious at the moment and it’s all the fault of today’s election. But before I begin to explain what happened, let me explain Germany’s political system first.

Germany is constituted of 16 states, the “Länder”, which all have their own parliament, which also means the states can decide a lot of stuff for themselves (this includes everything school related for example) without needing it to be accepted on a national level. Each Land votes for its parliament at least every 5 years. And today (3rd of March), was the Super-Wahl-Sonntag aka the day three different states elect their respective parliaments: Baden-Würtenberg,  Rheinland-Pfalz and Sachsen-Anhalt.

And that’s where the problem lies. The far right party AFD excelled. At the moment, the estimations lie at 24,3% in Sachsen-Anhalt (2nd place with 19 seats out of 102), 15,1% in Baden-Württemberg (3rd place with 23 seats out of 143) and 12,4% in Rheinland-Pfalz (3rd place with 13 seats out of 101). (as of 21h50) Now, what’s so bad about this?

Well, in short: The AFD is bad news. Donald-Trump-if-not-worse bad news. Their political plans include:

• against the “educational exaltation of non-heterosexual people” (schools would only teach about heterosexual relationships)
  
• stop the “hypersexualization of children” and by this they basically mean abolishing sex-education in schools
• civil partnership (the only possibility in Germany for same-gender couples to get their relationship officially recognized) not to be put on a level with marriage
• against renewable energies
• cancel or at least, reduce subsidies 
• suspend the Schengen-Contract (which allows free passage between EU countries) and close the border for the duration of the current wave of migrants
• Migrants should get social benefits solely according to their country of origin or not at all (which means no financial support at all)

They’re also anti-Euro and anti-EU. 

Now, I understand if the actual program of the party doesn’t seem too scary. Well, let’s take a look at what they also stand for (which I’m simply not sure they’ve included in their official election program):

• Enforced labour under minimum wage (8,50€/h at the moment) for long time unemployed people
  
• thinks the effect of CO2 emission on the climate is propaganda and is in general against the reduction of CO2 emissions (and the greenhouse effect is a myth)
• against data security which basically means government surveillance for everyone
• wants to reintroduce the compulsory military service for men
• against the legalisation fo abortion
• they’re against “gender mainstreaming” aka they hate trans people and everything that devies from the norm
• Refugees should be shot at the border if necessary

In general, they’re a far right winged, homophobic, transphobic, old fashioned party which is against everything any kind of progress stands for. This horrifying largely comes from a) a lot of people who decided not to vote and b) Germany has been shifting to the right more and more in the past years and this is the proof of how it can affect us. We’re pissed that people don’t use the chance they’re given through these elections, we’re pissed at the succes of a far right party and we’re pissed at the general stupidity that seems to dominate our country.

I also read somewhere that they want to abolish the legal requirements for womens’ equality in the workplace (meaning there should be a certain percentage of women in top positions, equally qualified women being preferred over men for certain jobs etc.) because they, and I am paraphrasing, “are supportive of traditional gender and family values”.

Basically, they want to put women back in the kitchen, which is coincidentally exactly where Hitler’s NSDAP wanted women (For womens’ roles, the NSDAP coined the slogan of the “three Ks” - Küche, Kinder, Kirche, meaning kitchen, children, church.)

uh oh. i’m moving to Baden-Würtenberg.

Go and fuck it up. I believe in you.

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE? LIKE A HORRIBLE JOKE?  isn’t in enough with Poland, Hungary, France and Greece, oh and let’s not forget Russia and their super right winged governments…

glowsinthedark9:

hclark70:

clockworkpriest:

So Donald Trump had a rally in my town today, and apparently some of his supporters who couldn’t find room to park at the venue parked their cars in the graveyard across the street -on top of the graves-. 

Who the fuck does this? Who the fuck in their right mind would desecrate what might potentially be a family’s only link to their dead loved one? I thought Trump’s followers were ignorant at best, but this is bordering on depraved. There is no way you couldn’t have known you were parking in a goddamn graveyard. And for what? To see some orange balloon flap his fucking lips? Fuck all of you. Fuck every single one of you. 

I don’t know what state but this falls under the regulations of ‘ No person shall park any vehicle within cemetery limits‘ -  you should report that

The grounds keeper wrote down all the license plates and what those people did is federal offense so hopefully they get in huge trouble because that is seriously fucked up (that was sadly my home town and a lot of friends’ family members are buried there)